Naked.

Lighting and Lensing workshop with Tanmay Agarwal, Day 5

As it has been through these few days, I reached the institute at around 8 in the morning and started writing yesterday’s blog. I also had to upload a video that I edited all night and that being of quite a significant size needed time. So, I finished all these by another hour and a half and reached the department to find almost everyone there. The rest who were missing also joined in another ten minutes or so. We all were surprised to learn that Soumee and Hindol have been staying over for the whole night there only. Though they both have slept in segments, on the chair, resting on the table and even standing, they looked dog tired. In spite of this Hindol was still typing away on his blog. I wondered how much is he writing! I was reading others’ blogs. As I finished reading Sreecheta’s blog, https://sreecheta26.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/the-thin-red-line/, I asked the others present there whether they have read it or not. They all said yes and asked me what I feel about it? I said I need to see it in real actually to believe it. Soumee, Hindol, Jubaraj and few others were however unanimous on the stand that they do not believe a single word of it.

As it was nearing 10am by now we all shifted to class and I was still reading the remaining blogs. Sreecheta was also there, though it was somewhat decided the day before that she won’t attend the workshop anymore.

Some time passed and since the class did not start yet we thought of updating our blogs as all of us had few things to add more to those and we headed back to the internet room in the department. Also my video failed to upload properly earlier so I put it on upload again. Here it took astonishingly lesser time than earlier! (video link in yesterday’s blog). In the meantime, sir, Mr. Tanmay Agarwal, came and joined us in the net room and left to the class after exchanging greetings. We were all about to head to the class when Soumee came back and said that we can continue as he i.e. sir is going to take some time with Sreecheta separately.
Moments later, I went to the class, for some reason which I don’t remember right now and sir was talking to Jubaraj and Kirti about how to go about the day and to collect and screen a couple of films and then we can talk about it after he again joins us back then. So I said if he would like to see the video I made and he replied, “Later.” Well till here I had no idea that in another split second my day would change completely and shift on to a different track.

He suddenly picked up my blog and asked the people present in the class then about what do they think about it? Jubaraj said he had already commented and that it needed more on actuality and it seemed as if I was hiding a lot behind the humorous sarcasm. Himel expressed that it appears from Sreecheta’s and my blog that we haven’t got it yet. Kirti didn’t read it till then. Fair enough. Sir then pointed to me and asked me to join him and Sreecheta as well. So I rushed to the internet room to log out from the work that I was doing to join them as he suddenly came back and said no let’s sit here and read your blog first. He started reading it and pointing out what all image and idea almost every line of my blog is projecting. It appeared self-righteous and extremely egotistic throughout and it was only analytical and my conclusion on things without listing out the actual events. I understood what he was trying to say. I agreed. However, I knew for myself that this is not something that I have done with any intention and thought in my mind. Rather I did not have any such hidden grudge on anyone either. It was anything else but a planned attack. Honestly, at that very moment I realized that this is something intrinsic and not entirely in my conscious self. I agreed with him.
So to do away with it he offered me two options, one – an epiphany that would make me find my answer as to what’s wrong and the other is that I work on it gradually which will take time and we are not sure when that dawns. He asked me to choose and I chose epiphany.
We, all of us, except Sreecheta, are now out in the lawn, and I slightly shaken and eagerly waiting to see what’s coming my way to lead to epiphany. He asks me my age and I say 28. He says there are two islands in the campus and on one of them there are stones lying around and asked me to pick up 28 stones and build a tower that will be taller than me and aesthetically finest. Roadies task!! I said okay.
Sreecheta was called in next and asked to watch me through this, not watch over but follow. We left.
As I was about to leave for the task we were called and everyone assembled in the class again. He said, “I forgot to mention couple of things to you then which are that as long as you don’t find your answer you won’t speak to anybody or even make eye contact. If somebody crosses your path walk past with your head down.” We nodded. He then asked Sreecheta what is your question that you are looking the answer for? She said, even though human eye has variable focal length why doesn’t it behave like a zoom lens? Honestly I didn’t know what to say to her then, I guess we all felt the same.
Kirti wanted to ask or say something to me before I left but sir put in a censor mechanism there and after hearing it from her didn’t let it reach the audience. I would still like to know what it was. I still felt a little touch being several feet apart.

We left for the island. Few meters past, Kirti comes rushing to Sreecheta and they had a conversation which I couldn’t make out as I was at a distance. They return. I wait for her to come and after spotting her walking back I start towards the island again. Few steps taken, Sumana comes rushing to Sreecheta now and takes her phone away. I reach the snake island now and find not a single stone there. I wait there on the bridge for some time and then move to the duck island to check. No stone there as well. I wonder. I take a little time more to gauge what can be the way, or the purpose, what lies beneath this? I return to the department now to find no one there as well. One of the office staff calls me from inside the office, I can’t avoid but listen, he asks me to take a pair of scissors and give it to my batchmates on the shooting floor. I nod but don’t take the scissor and go check the floor. Even there I find no one. Kind of helpless I return to the department again and wait. Now there is no light either, electric supply went off. I wait there for some time and the electricity comes back. Now I walk to the outside again when I spot sir there, coming from the Café Bar. I go ahead and tell him that there are no stones around, at least not such 28 of which will be taller than me. He says even better. Figure out how you will do it. He points me to the bricks stacked up around a construction site just next to the department and said let’s remove the restriction of 28, do it with 280 but do something. I leave again but I tell him that they won’t allow me to pick these up. He says search for unclaimed ones. I leave, now determined to finish the task.

I start picking up bricks from a pile of rubbish, two at a time and dump them on the duck island. The geese around there scream their anger on me. I continue. Silently. I pile them up, one on one on another first, criss cross. Then I break it down. I put two on two now, criss cross again. I count for the first few pairs and then I stop counting. I start wondering why am I doing this, how will this lead to an epiphany sparking my answer..?! I finish till my shoulders. A tall straight tower of bricks, in balance. I spot a dried, worn out, gaping piece of tree trunk lying around. I put it on top of this. It’s more than my height now by a little. I top it with a perfect cube made of concrete. Few other bricks were there which I arrange around the tower on the ground. I place another tree trunk behind one side of the tower, just to make the base a little more stable.
By this time others of our batch have scattered around the lake on the other side doing something. I spot sir there too. I walk to him again and wait. Himel comes in the meanwhile and clicks a photo of mine with his pinhole DSLR. That’s what they all have made in this time I realize.
I speak to sir now and say that it’s done. He asks me if I have got my answer yet. I half-heartedly say not entirely but somewhat of it. He says the task is about finding the answer and not building the tower. “Is it taller than you?” I say, “Yes.” “Do you think it is the finest?” I keep mum. He leaves for lunch. They all leave for lunch one by one. I stand there, hungry. Sreecheta sitting at a distance under the shade of a tree. I think. And I think again. I realize that I know what is wrong but I haven’t started working on it yet. I knew it for some time now and I have already spoken about it to my closest ones as well. All this is happening only because even after realizing it for quite some time now I haven’t taken a hold of it and changed. I stand by the railing of pavement around the lake and wait. Wait for me to cumulate and articulate all that I already knew was wrong but didn’t pay much heed and went around. Except for close corners. I know what I need to say. I know there has been a growing disconnect between me and my surroundings for a stretch of time now. We have all grouped up and act and behave as disjointed molecules. I also know that a principle that I lived by even before coming here and also through few initial months into this place, I’ve stopped following it now. Though there are good and bad reasons to it may be but a series of events had led to this somehow. Though I have not misbehaved with anyone or offended anyone but there has been a serious lack of empathy and mutual respect that I have sensed in the recent past and have done nothing about it in myself. I know all these for quite some time now but have stayed away from it for long enough which is why it probably have shaped up into increasing arrogance and withering humility. As a matter of fact, I also know how gradually and what all have contributed to this but I cocooned myself in temporal happiness and lived with it all, happily. Virtual.

There was no epiphany yesterday. There was only the courage to get these up and speak them out. Not a silent acceptance but a vocal confession.
I decided to move. I went to ask about the class to my batchmates in the canteen and I said I now know what to say but what does Sreecheta do after that? They had no clue like me and advised me to go and speak to sir. I went, knocked on Room 204 and said all that you just read and much more. Among all that he said the most important was “you are not committed to the process and question the essentiality of it.” I nodded. He said “go and try to make the tower finest and then you need not come and talk, we will all get to see it.” I leave.

This time around I start to make it finer. I pick up the bricks with characters in them, broken, bent, twisted, deformed and start putting them around the two-bricked tower. It started looking better. I found out I can’t raise its height any more as I am losing balance on top and hence went on to make it more stable by these. I raised two support structures by its two sides till my waist and on the other two sides till my knees. There were people around this time, who weren’t there in the morning, seeing me do this. I wanted to make it look good and stand stable as I was also worried that this should not fall on any goose and kill it down. I was picking up two bricks at a time and rushing to the island and again coming back. On my way back this time I see sir standing by the lake and clicking continuous photographs of mine. I don’t look up and continue with my work. One round. Two rounds. He has now come to the island. Three rounds. On the fourth round when I picked up two more and was heading towards the island he was there and said “Chal, chalte hai.” I paused and said “achcha lag raha hai…” He said “bas wohi toh chahiye tha, aaj ke liye itna hi” I drop the bricks there and smile. But I cried within. I cried even when writing this blog.
He makes me put the bricks from where I have picked them and we walk back to the department. He said, “haath aur kapde saaf karke aa ja”. I went to the washroom and splashed cold water on my face to control.

I joined back my mates and got down to make another camera with a magnifying glass now. It was around 5pm.

(The details of this session will soon be put up in another post.)